


When She Loved Me

by Kat_Greenleaf



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers - Freeform, Bruce Banner - Freeform, Bucky Barnes - Freeform, Gen, Hey guess what, Hurt Steve Rogers, Marvel - Freeform, Natasha Romanoff - Freeform, Nick Fury - Freeform, Or angst, Reader Insert, Sad, Songfic, Thor - Freeform, clint barton - Freeform, don't read if you aren't prepared for sad, my first songfic, reader insert as Steve's daughter, sorry - Freeform, steve rogers - Freeform, there's a lot of Steve angst, this is sad, tony stark - Freeform, yay for first time songfic, you die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-06-01 02:37:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6497530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kat_Greenleaf/pseuds/Kat_Greenleaf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reader insert as Steve's daughter. It is your funeral and Steve is remembering events in your life together that follow the lyrics of Sarah McLachlan's "When She Loved Me", which was featured in Toy Story 2. </p><p>Extra Note: Utilized is a headcanon of mine that the Super-soldier serum affects aging. So those affected live longer that normal (discounting time spent under the ice in Steve's case). Maybe it's a bit exaggerated here, but it's good for the story so no hateful comments please.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When She Loved Me

It was an open-casket funeral; Y/N wanted it that way. But I couldn’t look into the casket. I couldn’t see her face. Not when it was cold and slack. I could barely look up from my hands as it was. Y/N’s friend, Kathryn, made her way to the front of the room. She held her guitar, the same one I’d taught her to play when she and Y/N had asked to learn. Kathryn lifted the strap and looped it over her shoulder. She let the guitar hang for a moment while she reached for the provided microphone stand. Since the funeral was being held in a church, due to large attendance, anyone speaking needed the microphone to be heard.

Bucky nudged me and I looked up. I could tell she was holding back tears, just as I was. She adjusted the microphone and began to speak.

“Y/N was one of the best friends I could have ever met, and I’ve had many,” Kathryn started. “She was one of three amazing people who outlived their generations. So…” she swallowed, “so we didn’t expect this so soon. Well, it feels soon. I know that some of her past was a little rough. But I was fortunate enough for her to want to get to know me and for her father to approve of me. I like to think I helped her overcome some of her demons.” She took a breath and took the neck of her guitar in her left hand, “She and I learned guitar together; Steve taught us. Heh. So she asked me to play this song at her funeral. And I’m honored to do so.”

When Kathryn played the opening chords, I immediately recognized the song. I held my head in my hands, trying to pull myself together. But the words pulled up memories.

“When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful.

Every hour we spent together lives within my heart.

And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears.

And when she was happy, so was I; when she loved me.”

~*~

 _It_ _had been two years. Two years since Y/M/N had died in childbirth. Y/N had survived, thankfully. I couldn’t have stayed strong if I had lost them both._

_I watched Y/N play on the carpet of our floor in the Tower. Her oversized Legos littered the floor as she tried to build a castle. Really, it was just a tower of Legos built one on top of the other. But her enthusiasm was so great that it could make anyone believe that it was really a castle._

_Y/N turned to pick up some more blocks and accidentally knocked into her tower. She whirled back around and tried to catch it, but the blocks fell apart anyway and covered the floor. Y/N was an even-tempered child, so she just huffed and started to collect the blocks to start over. But as she walked around picking up the Legos, she stepped on one of them. The sharp corner of the block dug into the soft bottom of her bare foot and she squealed in surprise and pain._

_I quickly pulled her up into my lap and rocked her, rubbing her foot where she stepped on the Lego. Lucky for her, it didn’t pierce her skin._

_“Oh, baby,” I murmured, kissing her head. “It’s okay_ , _Y/_ _N.”_

_“Daddy,” Y/N sobbed. “Daddy, it hurts!”_

_“I know, baby.”_

_It took a few minutes for Y/N to stop crying. I wiped the tear-tracks from her cheeks, but she didn’t want to leave my lap. She was afraid to step on more Legos. It made me laugh a little._

_“Y/N, you need to clean up your blocks.”_

_“Daddy!” She was scandalized. “What if I step on one again?”_

_“If you clean up, we can go upstairs and see your aunt and uncles.”_

_Y/N’s eyes lit up and she scrambled down from my lap to clean up her mess. She was done in less than a minute. I held her hand and we took the elevator to the Tower’s common room. As soon as the elevator doors opened, Y/N sprinted out in search of her favorite aunt._

_“Aunt ‘Tasha!”_

_The team and I played with Y/N most of the afternoon. It was 4:30 when Y/n was finally exhausted and napped in Bruce’s arms. I headed into the kitchen for some coffee. Tony joined me and laid a friendly hand on my back._

_“She’s a sprite,” he joked._

_I laughed, “Well, I try to keep her happy.”_

_“Are you happy, Steve?” He was suddenly serious. “I mean, all things considered.”_

_I looked Tony in the eye, “If she’s happy, then I’m happy.”_

_Tony nodded and we walked back out into the living room to make quiet conversation with the team while Y/N slept. But when Y/N woke up, she was a ball of energy again. We played with her for a bit before dinner. We all ate together, and it was a fight to keep Y/N clean. She was bouncy, so she was getting food all over herself. And the bouncing also made it difficult to wipe the food off of her face and clothes._

_But all that energy wore out again after dinner. We played tag with Y/N until it was time for her to go to bed. She was tired, so I carried her to the elevator after we’d said goodnight to the team. I helped Y/N change into her favorite nightgown, the one with the terrier pattern on it. I laid her in her bed._

_“Goodnight, Daddy. I love you.”_

_“I love you, too, Y/N,” I kissed her cheek. “Goodnight, baby.”_

_I turned off her light, leaving the night light on, and opened the door to leave._

_“Daddy?”_

_I turned around, ‘Yes, baby?”_

_“I love you.”_

_I smiled, “I love you, too.”_

~*~

“Through the summer and the fall, we had each other that was all.

Just she and I together, like it was meant to be.

And when she was lonely, I was there to comfort her.

And I knew that she loved me.”

~*~

_Missions are long. Too long. Especially when you have a daughter at home, waiting for you to come back safely. Y/N was still young, but we trusted her in the Tower with J.A.R.V.I.S. This time, Bruce had stayed behind to work on a project. So Y/N wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t worried about her as much._

_Of course, none of that makes it any easier to be away._

_As I stepped off the Quinjet, my legs were attacked by a mass that clung to them with its own arms and legs. Luckily, Tony was there to keep me from falling over. I was laughing as Tony helped me pull Y/N off my legs. I picked her up and held her gently as she hugged me tightly around my neck._

_“Hey, baby girl. I’m back.”_

_“I missed you, Daddy!” Y/N said, her voice muffled by my shoulder. “You were gone for a week this time!”_

_I saw the rest of the team off to the side, talking to Bruce about the mission and his project._

_“I missed you, too, Y/N. What did I miss this week?”_

_Y/N pulled back and immediately started talking. I started walking us inside._

_“Peter and Wade came by hoping to catch you guys before you left, but you were gone. So they took me to the park while Uncle Bruce worked in the lab. That was Sunday, so I had school for the rest of the week. And it was_ so boring _, Daddy!” She gave a dramatic huff. “You have_ no _idea! It was all make-up tests and work! I didn’t have anything to do because I had all my stuff turned in! I spent all week coloring. I think Ms. Adams has a whole folder of my drawings, just from this week!” She perked up. “But Friday was the last day of third grade! You made it back in time for summer!”_

_I kissed her cheek, “And I have the summer off work, too!”_

_She gaped a moment before hugging me tightly again, “Finally!”_

_Clint and I were the only ones allowed time off for the summer. Clint didn’t say where or why he was going, but he would be back just after the start of the school year. I, however, would be staying in-town in case the Avengers were needed. Fury insisted that another S.H.I.E.L.D. agent could replace Clint if it was absolutely necessary, but Captain America was not so easily substituted._

_Y/N and I spent a lot of time at the beach. We built sand castles, collected_ bucket-fulls _of shells, and were even able to make a habit of catching small fish that came close to the shore. We would catch them in a bucket and watch them swim around for a bit before letting them go again._

_One particular day, I was letting Y/N bury me in the sand. She had covered the lower half of my body in nearly two feet of sand and was just telling me to lay back when she saw something that made her stop. I followed her gaze and was puzzled as to why what I saw had gained such a reaction from my daughter. There was a group of about seven children, looking to be Y/N’s age, running around together a little way down the beach. They were running in and out of the water and seemed to genuinely be having a good time. Y/N looked sad watching them, but she and I had been fine just a few moments before._

_“Y/N? Baby, what’s wrong?”_

_Y/N looked down at the sand, “They go to my school.”_

_“Would you like to join them?” Maybe she just missed her school friends. “I wouldn’t mind.”_

_She shook her head, “Daddy, they… they don’t like me.”_

_I frowned; I hadn’t heard about this before._

_I pulled Y/N onto my sand-covered lap, “Why not? What’s going on at school, baby?”_

_She shrugged, “They don’t like me because they think I like to show off.”_

_“How so?”_

_Y/N shrugged again, “I’m the first one to finish my work and tests, I’m the strongest and fastest in gym class, my art projects turn out better than theirs, and…. Just everything they can do I can to a bit better, and they don’t like me for it. They think I do it on purpose, but I can’t stop because I want to do my best in school!” She looked up at me with sad eyes, “Only Y/F/N likes me and thinks it’s cool.”_

_I hugged Y/N close, I knew what it was like to have only one real friend._

_“I know what it’s like to not fit in,” I said. “When I was younger, I was weak and sick and no one but… Bucky wanted to hang around me. And after the serum, it was still hard to find a place among regular people. Especially after coming up out of the ice after seventy years.” Y/N knew what had happened to me, but it still made her look up at me with wide eyes. I smiled at her and continued, “But you know what?”_

_“What?”_

_“You have some of the coolest friends that live right upstairs.” Y/N smiled. “They appreciate you for who you are and even Uncle Clint doesn’t mind when you beat him in races. We’re always here for you, and other supers, too. You can have Peter and Wade over whenever you’d like. They love you.’_

_Y/N smiled wider and hugged me._

_“Thank you, Daddy!”_

_“Anytime, baby.”_

_As soon as I let go, Y/N had me lay down on the sand so that she could bury my top half. When she finished, and only my head was sticking out of the sand, Y/N knelt next to me and kissed my cheek._

_“I love you, Daddy.”_

_“I love you, too, Y/N.”_

~*~

“So the years went by; I stayed the same.

But she began to drift away; I was left alone.

Still I waited for the day when she’d say:

‘I will always love you’.”

~*~

_It started in her teenage years. Y/N’s body started its transition into womanhood, and she spent more time with Natasha. They talked about what to do during that time of the month, boys, and other girl things. They shopped together, and generally had more girl time. She even went to Tony and Bruce for further advice about boys. I guessed it was because Tony was basically still an immature “boy” and would understand the behavior of the boys at school, and that way he could give her advice about them. Bruce, I supposed, because he would be real about it and be able to give her advice on how to deal with them, since he had to deal with Tony every day in close quarters. I sometimes wished she would come to me. But I guess I would have been the stereotypical dad, not wanting my daughter to date and warning her about boys and all that._

_Clint and Thor were definitely her pals. When she wasn’t working on school work, she might be found with them in the screening room watching some ridiculous movie or TV show, or maybe playing a game. Natasha and I would sometimes join, but it was normally just the three of them. And if it wasn’t Clint and Thor, it was Peter and Wade. They tended to take her out into town and such. She spent a fair number of Saturdays out with them, just hanging out around Manhattan. And I was thankful that they always returned her before dinner._

_Now, none of this is to say that Y/N and I never spent time together. We went out for an evening about twice a month, more if there was a special holiday or if one of us had a birthday. We would go out for dinner and then go to some attraction: a museum or park were the most likely choices._

_But I had a job, and there were times when the team and I would have to leave for missions that might last a week or a month. I didn’t like these missions. But Peter and Wade often stayed in the Tower with her so that she wasn’t lonely. To my knowledge, they never did anything inappropriate. J.A.R.V.I.S.’s intel was normally trustworthy._

_When Y/N was younger, the end of a mission was a big deal. Now, it was a more common occurrence because she could take care of herself and the agency didn’t feel bad about sending me away for longer periods of time. Now, she would hug me and tell me only that she was glad I was safe, just like the rest of the team. Post-mission time was spent as a group so that she could enjoy all our company after we were away for so long. I no longer had private evenings with my baby girl on our floor in the Tower as post-mission tradition._

_Comparatively, Y/N spent more time with other people than she did with me. And, honestly, it wasn’t often that I had someone to really, well, be around like that. Sure, the team had days that we spent together, and I had my bi-weekly days with Y/N. But I wasn’t especially close with anyone on my team. They were all out together in little groups or holed up in their rooms and labs. But Y/N was finding herself and I was part of that as much as she wanted me to be._

_But it didn’t feel like enough. I mean, we didn’t even say “I love you” anymore. We did love each other, but we never verbalized it._

_And soon the day came that Y/N moved out of the Tower. She was going to live on the other side of town with Peter while she attended college. We didn’t talk much after that. She was focused on schoolwork and I was immersed in work. I mean, S.H.I.E.L.D. keeps you busy. But I always made time if Y/N found time to visit, or write, or call. After she turned twenty, she and Peter started a relationship. They were responsible and very much head-over-heels for each other. Two years later, I received a letter from Y/N that announced her engagement to Peter. I found a wedding invitation in my mailbox three months after that. I remember them coming to the Tower so that they could have the wedding in a church that I had taken Y/N to when she was younger. But Tony gave them their own floor, so I still didn’t see her as much as I would like._

_The wedding was beautiful, and I wish I remembered it in a happier light. I gave my daughter away and watched her say “I do”._

_I was proud._

_But I missed her already. I was really losing her this time. She would be fully devoted to her husband and their children, if they decided to have any. Sure I’d see her on holidays, or if they just decided to visit. But I was not Y/N’s main family anymore. She would have a new family to care for. And I put on a smile anyway. Peter was a good kid, and he would take care of Y/N. So at I didn’t have to worry too much. I focused on that and pretended nothing was wrong. I’m sure at least Natasha saw that it was a front. Thankfully, she didn’t say anything._

_The reception was lively; I was not. I sat to one side, just watching and trying to enjoy myself. I was pulled onto the floor once for the father-daughter dance. I held Y/N close as we danced. I didn’t want to let her go, and I wished I’d held on tighter as she grew up._

_“I am so, so proud of you, baby,” I murmured in her ear as the song came to an end._

_“Thank you, Dad.” Y/N smiled up at me._

_Another song started and Y/N went to dance with Peter. I sat back off to the side and mentally kicked myself. “Proud of you” is not the same thing as “I love you”. I’m sure Y/N would have preferred to hear the latter, and I would have loved to hear it back._

_As the team drove back to the Tower in a limo that Tony rented, I sat by the window and stared out mindlessly; tried not to feel like I had really just lost something precious. I hadn’t gotten more than a quick goodbye hug as Y/N and Peter said goodbye to all their guests. Clint sat next to me, and Natasha sat across from me. Neither of them said anything, but I knew they knew something was wrong. And I was grateful for their concern._

_Back at the Tower, I went straight to my floor, showered, and went to bed. And I most certainly didn’t cry myself to sleep thinking about the people I had had to let go in my life._

~*~

“Lonely and forgotten, I never thought she’d look my way.

Then she smiled at me and held me, just like she used to do.

Like she loved me; when she loved me.”

~*~

_They hadn’t had kids. They didn’t want any, and, with Peter being Spider-Man and Y/N’s “family” all being superheroes, they thought it might not be the best idea. And they liked having the time to focus more on their careers and each other._

_Y/N had a successful career in computer programming, and she worked well into her seventies. The serum had affected her similarly to the way it affected me – though, she was second generation so it was to a lesser extent. Physically and mentally, she had grown up fast. But now, the serum was preserving her youth as it was mine. Even the radiation in Peter’s body didn’t keep him as young as Y/N. He passed away just after ninety-five years. Y/N was eighty-seven, and looked to be in her late twenties or early thirties. Only Bucky and I were like this, and he was somewhere in-between; looked older than me but younger than Y/N. And it was Bucky and I that Y/N turned to when she couldn’t handle living alone anymore._

_I loved Y/N, but she picked a bad time._

_I had just had to bury the last member, besides myself, of the original Avengers. The Hulk had kept Bruce alive long enough, and it had been time. Pietro and Wanda were old and inactive, and we didn’t need to call on Vision every time. He preferred to be with Wanda anyway._

_All I had was Bucky and Y/N._

_I knew that Y/N was moving back into our floor with Bucky and I. I should have been there to help her move in; I wanted to be! But I was away on a mission. A mission I had asked for in the need for a distraction after Bruce’s funeral. I needed something else to focus on. On the trip out to the location that my team and I were to clear of A.I.M. agents, I got a text from Bucky saying that we had received a letter from Y/N saying that she was moving in that week. We knew this was coming, so I texted Bucky back to tell him to help her get settled and I’d be back as soon as I could. I turned off my phone and focused on the mission._

_We were on our way home two weeks later. I turned my phone back on, and had one text from Bucky – two Thursdays ago – that Y/N was all moved in. She’d been living there nearly a week. I swore under my breath. I’d forgotten in the pressure of the mission. This had been a hard base in infiltrate, and no one had come out unscathed. I didn’t want to meet Y/N this way. But I arrived home at about 1:00 in the morning. Surely she’d be asleep and I could sneak in._

_Or not._

_Y/N was sitting on the couch in the main room, watching old episodes of NCIS. Her head turned as I opened the door. We made eye contact and she stared for a moment, making me uncomfortable. Her mouth was open slightly and her eyes were just a bit wider than normal. I shut the door. Y/N jumped up off the couch and rushed over. She flung her arms around my shoulders and I wrapped my arms around her waist, burying my face in the crook of her neck._

_I don’t know how long we stood there._

_I didn’t care._

_I was just glad to have Y/N back in my arms. We pulled apart and Y/N was smiling, hugely._

_“I’m glad you’re home safe, Daddy.”_

_I couldn’t help myself and I pulled her back into my arms, “I love you so much, Y/N. I love you, baby.”_

_“Oh, Daddy. Daddy, I love you, too.”_

~*~

“When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful.

Every hour we spent together lives within my heart.

When she loved me.”

~*~

_This was inevitable; I knew that._

_But no parent should have to bury their child._

_The serum can only last for so long. I looked, maybe, fifty years old. But the serum had been given to me directly. Y/N had received its effects through my DNA, so the effects weren’t as strong when mixed with her mother’s DNA. This meant that the serum would not keep her alive as long as it would me. Of course, we had always known this. It had just never seemed real; even as Y/N aged._

_Now it was being shoved in my face._

_Y/N had almost lived for two centuries, and she was finally leaving. She kept saying that she was ready, that it was time. But she was all the family I had left besides Bucky, whom I definitely considered family. We were both sitting at Y/N’s bedside in the hospital. Her heart monitor was steadily – but slowly – marking her heartbeats. Her eyes were closed, and the doctors had told us that she wouldn’t wake up again. Bucky and I had said goodbye before she fell asleep two days before, so we hadn’t missed out chance. Two days she’d been sleeping. I was sad._

_Overwhelmingly sad._

_Some of the current generation Avengers visited, including Kathryn. Well, Kathryn wasn’t technically of this generation, and it was weird to see her look like she was. She had met Y/N just after Peter died. They looked the same age, then. Kathryn was a mutant; a shapeshifter. S.H.I.E.L.D.’s scientists had officially dubbed it “manipulating her molecules”. She could actually do much more than just shapeshift, and she could probably outlive me if she wanted to._

_Y/N and Kathryn had become fast friends, and sisters with time. They did so much together, including learning guitar from me. Because of this, Kathryn spent a lot of time with Bucky and I in the hospital. It was strange, though. She had shifted to look in her early twenties again, but for the past century or so she had shifted so that she created the illusion of aging along with Y/N. Like I said: Sisters._

_But today it was just me and Bucky. The doctors had warned us that it would be soon. I didn’t want to believe it. I was counting the seconds between Y/N’s heartbeats, mine speeding up as hers slowed down. The sluggish heartbeat was soon painful for me to listen to; Bucky, too, I could tell. So I called in a nurse to pull the plug. Y/N struggled breathing for a while and her heartbeat sped up for a bit before she stopped and the monitor went straight._

_I don’t remember much after that. Just some part of me dying inside, me holding Y/N’s lifeless hand, and Bucky pulling me into a hug with his real arm._

~*~

Kathryn finished playing the outro chords of the song before speaking into the microphone.

“Steve.”

I found the strength to lift my head, not caring much that people would see my tear-stained cheeks and red eyes.

“She wanted me to sing that for you,” Kathryn continued. “She said it would mean something to you.” More tears came to my eyes. Y/N knew. The little…. “But she also said that she wanted you to remember all of the good times.” Kathryn addressed the group. “That goes for all of us. Honor her in your happiest memories.”

Kathryn set her guitar in a provided guitar stand and walked back down to sit with me and Bucky. Bucky’s real arm was around my shoulders, and Kathryn took my hand as she sat down. At least they cared. They loved me. But not like Y/N loved me.

When she loved me.


End file.
